The next morning, I couldn't get out of bed again. I took some Aleve (a strong pain-killer) and waited for it kick in. James had had to leave early so I was on my own with the kids. There was no way I could get them to school on time it seemed. I finally had them to school by 10:45 am and then sat on the couch under a heated blanket the rest of the day.
We have 4 kids - 2 boys and 2 girls - Ethan, Autumn, Elie, and Miles. They were 14, 11, 7, and 5 at that time. They were all in school although Miles was in Kindergarten and didn't have school every day.
Jan. 8 I managed to get to work again - my job was part-time -only 2 1/2 days a week and it was somewhat do-able as a healthy mom of 4 kids. We had a full and busy life - being a mom is a full-time job - especially with 4 kids but I enjoyed my job and we had thought keeping up my license as an RN was important - even though it meant for extra busy-ness in the midst of raising our family. This was a tension I lived with - I often struggled with guilt as I felt I wasn't there enough for my kids - I was so often very tired and felt like I had to put my family as a lesser priority in between work, church, and community responsibilities.
After work on Jan. 8 there was curling for Ethan and Autumn in Arborg (our town), so off I went with them. We were also on to volunteer in the arena canteen that week but luckily the hockey game that night was cancelled and we got the evening off.
The morning of January 10 will forever be imprinted in my memory. It was a Friday, and the day I only worked half a day. I woke up early and didn't feel too bad. I probably had some Aleve on board. I made myself a cup of coffee and sat down to read my Bible. I didn't always have morning devotions - as a lot of mornings I found myself sleeping in and then rushing to get ready for work. However, this morning was different. I woke up well on time and had a very meaningful time reading my Bible and praying to God. I felt a calm and a peace filling up my soul.
As I sat at my dining room table I could sense that I wasn't alone. Just across from me, sitting with me, was Jesus. I knew it. I could feel Him. We sat there together and it felt like time stood still. I didn't want to leave. We just sat there together and it was so peaceful and good. Then I felt/heard Him say to me, "You're going to be walking down a very hard road - but I will be with you - don't be afraid". I felt assurance and love from Him - so much love - and I accepted this message. Regretfully, I finally had to get up and finish getting ready for work. I didn't want to leave Him or that moment. It was so beautiful and good. I knew it had been a special visitation from God and even though He is always with me and has promised to never leave me or forsake me - I believe He revealed Himself more clearly that morning to prepare me for the news I would be getting.
The first thing I did at work on Friday mornings was attend the hospital rounds with all the physicians and some of the other nurses and hospital managers, etc. Right after rounds, Dr. K. pulled me aside into the photocopy room. She looked at me and said, "we got your blood work back". I looked back at her - waiting. What was she going to tell me? I tried to read her body language - she seemed nervous.
"Unfortunately, your double-stranded DNA test came back very high and your ANA test was positive as well," she said.
These were not familiar tests to me. "So, what does that mean?', I asked.
"Well, unfortunately, it looks to me like you probably have Lupus", she said.
"Oh, I see," I said, "Is there any chance it might be something else?," I asked.
"Those tests are actually highly specific to Lupus- so I'm pretty sure that's what you're dealing with", she said, "but you need to see a rheumatologist and get that confirmed. So go see your family doctor and she can make a referral for you. I'm sorry to be giving you this bad news".
I was still feeling the peace from the morning I had had - and coupled with the shock of a possible chronic diagnosis - I didn't really feel anything at that point - my mind began to whir. I thanked Dr. K. very much for her help and walked down the hallway to my office and sat down.
Of course my first reaction was to call James. We talked for a few minutes. He asked me what Lupus was. I said I didn't even really know that much about it except I remembered learning about it in nursing school and thinking to myself that if there ever was a disease I didn't want to get - it was Lupus.
After getting off the phone, I tried to put it out of my mind and get down to my tasks at hand. Thank the Lord for the mechanism of shock - it lets you compartmentalize things in those first few hours or days of upsetting news.
I had a very busy day planned as Elie was having her 8th birthday party after school and was SO excited about it. I couldn't afford to collapse or be a basket case that day.
I got through my morning of work and rushed home to finish getting ready for her birthday party. I didn't feel good at all and was so sore and tired - but when you're a mom, and your child is having a birthday party - it's 'all hands on deck'. My sister, Christy, came over to help me get ready for the party and Autumn, our 11 year old, helped me run the party. I wish I could say it was a success but dear Elie, the birthday girl, is also an introvert and the party ended up being too overwhelming for her. She ended up hiding under her bed for part of the time in tears - hating being the centre of attention. There I sat on the floor beside her bed trying to coax her out - barely able to pull myself off the floor...it was kind of a disaster.
Eventually, the party was over and I collapsed on the couch. James and I were supposed to be attending a church leadership meeting that evening together. There were some big changes happening in our church as well as some conflict and tension. All the leadership - which we were/are a part of - was meeting with our conference pastor that night to try and work through some of it. It was an important meeting and I really didn't want to miss it. But as I sat there on the couch under my heated blanket at 7:00 pm my body said, "NO".
I knew there was no physical way I could go. I was way too sick.
No comments:
Post a Comment